gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
