By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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