my being single is dangerous.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
