those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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