I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
