im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The best revenge is premature balding
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
