After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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