I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
