Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just want nice things and good sex
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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