U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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