cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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