The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
