3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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