im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
