the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
