everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
