what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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