Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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