She said her name was "party"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
