I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
