My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
They should really pass out barf bags in church
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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