Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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