He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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