There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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