can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
