He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
