I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
