I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
