maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
