I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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