That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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