Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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