I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
