I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
