I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
