if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
