I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Welp...herpes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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