R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
