Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
