I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
