Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
