a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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