he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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