I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
