Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
false alarm, still single
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
