Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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