I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
