he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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