If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
