i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
